Confessions of a Control-Freak

I was struck recently by a friend's status update on Facebook.  "I love being a parent," she wrote, "but I hate  parenting." My first reaction was shock. "Me too," I thought "but it takes serious chutzpah to say it."  Yes I love being a mom.  My kids are my whole life.  But that's exactly why I hate parenting, too.  It is seriously, completely, mind-numbingly exhausting.  I wrote in this very blog not too long ago that I don't have the energy at the end of the day to learn anything.  A product of my public school education, perhaps (ahem), but I think it's more likely that two small demons darlings are sucking every micron of patience and energy out of me from the moment I get up in the morning until that blessed moment they go to sleep at night.    Not that I'm bitter.  Really, I'm not.  I'm just searching every day for a balance between my own needs and desires and those of my children.  And I think it's safe to say that my kids' needs and desires usually come first.  But, like so many things I'm realizing on this parenting journey, I feel my world occasionally flipping upside-down.  I found myself having the following conversation with my four-year-old the other day and had a small epiphany:
Me: Put on your jacket, it's cold outside.
C: No, I don't want to.
Me: But you'll be cold.
C: No I won't.
Me: Yes you will.
C: No I WON'T! I'm HOT!
Me: If you don't put this jacket on right now, we are not going to the park!

Can you hear the record screeching to a halt?  What on earth was I saying?  Why do I care so much whether she puts on her jacket or not?  We live in California, what's going to happen, hypothermia?  For a while I reasoned that she doesn't yet have the predictive skills to know that she's going to be cold when we go outside, so maybe I'm saving myself the "I'm cold" whine.  But that's a stretch.  It took me a while to realize this, but I think the issue here is control.  No kidding, you may say, but this was actually an epiphany for me.  I may be a bit of a control freak.  At least when it comes to my kids.  Why?  Just like my kids, I want some control over my own life.  As I said, my kids are my life. I want to be able to say at the end of the day that I called the shots (You WILL wear that jacket because I'M cold) and had some semblance of control. I am the master of my own day, the decider!  I need, just like my kid, to have some autonomy.  I might as well have thrown myself of the floor and wailed " MEEEEE DO IT!"

So that one is pretty straight forward.  I learned my lesson.  My kid isn't robbing me of my precious parental initiative by refusing to wear a jacket.  Battle averted.  But what about those situations when I need to use some of that preciously rationed cognitive energy in my parenting?  What if I just want ultimate control of the situation without having to negotiate?  I played dictator today at Starbucks.  C wanted more hot chocolate after having a kid's size cup of it. Of course that gets my goat because it makes me feel unappreciated.  Why can't she just be grateful for the generously bestowed treat and leave it at that?  Of course I told her no way "you've had enough, dear." Predictably, the whining ensued, and the steam pouring out of my ears obscured my vision.
"If you don't stop whining right now, we will take that tutu dress up set right back to the toy library!"

SAY WHAT???? What just came out of my mouth?  What does her tutu dress up set have to do with hot chocolate?  This is exactly the kind of parent I don't want to be; the one who flaunts and exerts her power just for the sake of control.  You're doing something I don't like?  Fine, I'm more powerful than you and I can force you to do my will by hurting you.  Am I an evil, terrible mom?  Well, maybe.  But really, I'm just tired.  I was trying to relax with my cup of coffee and just didn't want to have the conversation about why having a second cup of hot chocolate isn't healthy, especially when I'm likely to me met with the response "YES IT IS HEALTHY!" and tears.  So what's a mom to do?  Maybe if I take care to choose my battles wisely throughout the day, I will have the energy to have that conversation.  Or maybe I need to be a little more creative and try to use humor and distraction.  I hope for now it will be enough to realize that authoritarian threats are basically the same as the whining.  I'm just trying to get a little control, because the world is big, with big problems, and I am so very small.

What do you do?